Sunday, January 17, 2016

reality check

I think the worst thing about depression is how easily it's able to convince you that all the positive moments you've experienced aren't real. It sneaks its way in and wraps itself around all the good things you have. All those "I love life" moments where you question how you could've ever felt depressed in such a wonderful world - it takes those away from you. You're left feeling like this depression is your reality; nothing exists outside of it, just you and it. 
Sometimes not even you - it can even convince you that you're not real.
Depression is seriously the most persuasive demon.
But I've realised something, and it's become sort of my sword against the demon:

I'm more real than it.

I am me. I am Aubrey Danae Pacheco. 
I love making my dinner while pretending I'm hosting a cooking show. 
I get super excited when I see a dog out in public. 
In elementary school id draw myself wearing pigtails and crop tops with bell bottoms even though I've never worn an outfit like that in my entire life. 
Sometimes I read scary stories late at night even though I know I'll freak out when I hear a noise in the hall. 
I have great friends and an absolutely amazing family. 
I am supported. I am appreciated. I am loved.
Even without these things I am real. I am a single human in this universe on my own journey and I am real.

So is my depression. It's very real to me, but it will never be more real than me.

This is MY life, not its.

I am more real than it.

. . . 

I wrote this a few days ago after a particularly shitty episode - after speaking to my brother and really getting a chance to say things out loud, I had a little epiphany: 
I've always been pretty open about depression and all that, but part of me has been so against really showing everything, and I've realised why lately - I love that people think of me as this bubbly and positive person, so I was scared to show anything that would ever change that view of me. I strive to be a very positive and happy person, and for the most part I am, but that doesn't mean I can't have lows y'know? I define myself, not my depression, and I am a happy & positive person who has learnt to be that way because of those shitty moments, and that's not something I want to hide.

xo, Aubrey

Saturday, January 16, 2016

back to it... maybe?

Here's the lowdown:
I initially started blogging to create some sort of extension of myself I'd be able to look back on, but as I looked back on all my posts I realised how I'd been putting forward this edited and subdued version of myself, which is exactly what I didn't want to do! I know it's not like there's a truckton of y'all reading, but more than anything this blog is for ME, and how can I enjoy blogging when I'm not being ME?
I took a break, which then lead to a sort of "purge" of quite a few social media platforms I had been using. I got to this point where I actually despised social media, and how everything felt so fake and pointless, but then I realised how social media and such isn't itself all that bad - how we use it is what determines it's power. Hippy-dippy shit, I know, but hear me out: a lot of social media out there is pretty damn empty, let's be real. They're not promoting positivity and more often than not, it leaves people feeling unfulfilled. I know I've had my fair share of moments where I'm chilling at my desk chowing down on pasta watching these super fit girls go on amazing adventures some cosmetic company payed for and just felt like I was missing out on life or that I'm almost behind in life! Social media isn't some evil power, but if you look at it the wrong way and let it get into your head, it can have a pretty gnarly effect on you. All those people posting pictures and videos, they're real people who probably have just as many issues and insecurities - majority of the time all we're seeing is one split second into their life that has been edited and refined. I don't think anybody really goes onto Instagram or Facebook with the intent to make others jealous or feel inferior - they just want to put forward the best, most appealing representation of their life they can and there is nothing wrong with that. Just don't forget that at the end of the day, your life is yours and just because somebody is leading their life in a different way, that doesn't take away from your life or happiness.

Well that was on heck of a tangent! What I'm really trying to say is that even though I went through a period of not enjoying social media, I've sort of switched gears on how I see it because it's sort of up to everybody to make it a positive experience. I love YouTube and Instagram and Tumblr, but I want to do my best to present myself as true to life as possible and to make sure I only leave positivity in my wake on such platforms.
WOW I am absolutely horrible at getting to the point! The. point. is.
I think I'm going to try my hand at blogging again, but as ME. I'm not sure how long this will go for - perhaps I'll post a bit then get bored again, who knows! But for now I'm excited to start having a place to put all my thoughts and interests.

Not sure exactly how riveting this will be for you all, but as the Camp Rock classic states:
"This is real, this me!"

So, buckle up kiddos (how fuckin' cheesy was that?! Grade A material right there!)!

xo, Aubrey

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

shaky shots & messed up music

To say this video was a time consumer would be a complete understatement. I spent hours filming, editing, and dealing with copy right issues, but I am so ecstatic to finally have it up on YouTube! It's not perfect - I definitely need some practice with keeping the camera steady and finding good lighting - but I'm pretty damn proud with myself for following through with quite a big project plan. It may only be about five minutes long, but just as my brother taught me (he works in the film industry back home in LA), one minute of edited film = hours of shooting and editing, especially when you spend half that time mumbling curse words at iMovie and then cheering when you get the music to match up with your scene cuts!

Buuut, that's enough jibber jabber - I hope you enjoy this quick tour of Oxford! Hopefully it can curb your wanderlust for a bit:

So what did you think? I'd love to hear some feedback xoxo

Sunday, February 15, 2015

art with aubs

I'm in a talkative mood and everybody in my flat is still sleeping (somehow I woke up super energetic after only about 6 hours of sleep... I think I'm becoming a robot or something..?), so I'll get out my chattiness on this blog! You've been warned:

So, I LOVE to doodle. I'm constantly drawing random characters and bits on my notes, or scratch paper as I'm on the phone and such. Doodling is something that I've always done, but even more so now, because let's be honest, sometimes it's the perfect way to avoid doing course work (A+ student right huuuuuur). Often these doodles get tossed away, but every so often I draw a character I really like, and then turn it into an actual piece. A few months back I drew a silly little walrus with a hat & suit and hung it up in my room, thinking nothing of it really. I thought he was funny and I liked my ink work, but then one of my flat mates grew really fond of it and I offered to draw him a copy for his birthday. There is seriously nothing better than someone liking your work, whether it be your art or your cooking or your makeup, am I right? So whenever I'm creating something for another person, I tend to go the extra mile (or some people may say "overboard"... I think it's just enthusiasm! *sassy/smirky emoji*), so of course instead of just one piece I made him three small pieces, all of random animals in clothing. Real talk: I find it insanely hilarious seeing things like this - it's probably the most childish thing, but I could giggle for hours over sloths in ball gowns or ducks wearing wigs, SUE ME.

I'm actually quite proud of how these turned out - I feel like I've really found my style recently and I've been able to transition it from portraits, to still, to these silly little dudes.

I'm definitely not the best, but I think my style really reflects me so I quite like it! And I truly think everybody should find some form of expression they enjoy and just go with it - you can only draw stick figures? PERFECT. Just draw, or sing, or dance, or try flippin' parkour! I just really hope everybody finds some way to make themselves happy and express themselves throughout their life - it's so essential.

Anyways, little rant over. Now I'm going to get on with my little to-do list for the day then perhaps study a bit, a.k.a. doodle more.

Until next time, toodles xoxo

P.S. I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day! I just spent the day chilling since I had a long night out on Friday, then I went for ice-cream with my friend/flatmate/Valentine! What did you get up to?

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

uni lyyyyfe

A friend of mine was kind enough to pick me up at the airport, and instead of heading straight to Oxford we spent a few hours sightseeing and taking scenic routes.

Potterhead Moment: this is the house used as "4 Privet Drive" in Harry Potter. Me = Dead.

First snowfall in Oxford - it hasn't snowed since this night/day, but I'm somewhat fine with that because I did not bring any good boots for the snow this time around. 
Snow - 1
Aubrey - 0

Just a few shots of random moments with my friends  

Finally I am feeling settled back into life here at uni! Jet lag has been whoopin' my booty this last week, but last night I actually got more than three hours of sleep in a row - hallelujah.

Now that I'm actually awake at human hours, I'm hoping to film and shoot more - it's just a matter of finding good lighting with the gloomy weather we're having here in Oxford  (kind of missing that California sunshine right now...).

Hopefully you're having lovely weather and fun moments wherever you are! Until next time, toodles xoxo

Saturday, January 24, 2015

dinner with the girls

Last night I had a lovely dinner & catch-up with my friends - it never ceases to amaze me how you can be away from people for quite a while, yet totally click the moment you're back together! It was such a great night, and I am so glad we were able to get together before we're all off on our different paths again 

As for today, I've been battling my allergies due to the crazy winds we have here - I'm surprised I haven't passed out from sneezing yet! Since I wasn't too keen on going out into the wind, I spent the day watching Netflix (of cooourse), and discovered a new obsession - BOLLYWOOD MOVIES! Seriously, if you're looking for movies that'll instantly boost your mood, Bollywood movies are the way to go!

But enough blabbering from me - I've gotta go watch the UFC fight with my dad! So until next time, toodles xoxo

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

LA love

This past weekend was spent laughing, talking about crushes, shopping and eating TONS with my cousins. Hanging out with my cousins is seriously one of my favourite things in this entire world - we've been close ever since we were young, and as we get older we only get closer, since now we can actually talk about things other than Pokemon and Polly Pockets! We all live fairly close, but since our schedules are so different we rarely get to hang out for more than just an evening, and with my being away at uni it felt like I hadn't seem them in centuries, so having them spend the weekend at my house was so great!

We spent Saturday with my brother Dyron:

This weirdo. We originally had plans to check out this vegan sushi place, but on our way there, we found a really cool dimsum restaurant and decided to check it out, and I was so glad we did:

 I ordered these delicious veggie dumplings, and although they totally look like some sort of transparent alien sea slug, they were absolutely delicious! Especially when dipped in this amazing spicy red sauce they had.

After that, we set out to explore a bit of the area - we were between the Downtown LA Art District and Little Tokya, so there were plenty of interesting shops and cafes to peek into, such as...

 BTduuubs, this place had an amazing pair of joggers that I was absolutely drooling over! But, my heart was broken once I saw the price tag... $105... ouch.

The Art District is also covered in tons & tons of amazing murals - I especially loved the piece on the left. If you've been reading my blog, you should know I have a massive obsession for aliens and sic-fi things!

While exploring, we happened upon a vegan ice cream truck & I was so excited! The fact that there are so many vegan cafes and restaurants is one of the many things that makes me miss LA when I'm at uni.

As you can see, I loved my "nicecream".

When heading back to the car, my brother was like "Since we're here, shouldn't we just check out that sushi place..?" and of course none of us said no to trying out some new food! I had some amazing sushi while visiting my brother in Chicago a bit ago, but man oh man, Sojin's sushi sure gave those a run for their money!

Out of the two we tried, these were definitely my favourite - they had this amazing balance between sweet and savoury, with the perfect combinations of textures. Honestly so delicious and I would totally recommend checking out Shojin if you're ever in LA!

After we were all insanely stuffed, we rolled ourselves to the car and went back home. It was a great evening of exploring a part of my city I had never gotten the chance to!

On Sunday my cousins and I went to Downtown LA's fashion district (I'm definitely enjoying Los Angeles as much as I can before heading back to uni!). 

We did a looot of walking, but also did a lot of shopping. I'm very big on trying to find bargains, and seeing as nearly everything is more expensive in the UK than here in the US, I thought it'd be best to do all my clothes shopping here before going back. I got a lot of great pieces that I'll be sharing in a video - I'll show all the things I bought/was gifted on my winter holiday, so it's definitely going to be my biggest and most complicated video yet! I'm up for the editing challenge though!

Wow! That was my biggest post in quite a while haha I should probably get going though - I'm babysitting and I think I can hear the kids waking up from their nap. Until next time, toodles xoxo

Friday, January 16, 2015

dtla & dockweiler

Yesterday I finally got to spend some time with two of my friend's and have a proper catch up! We didn't really have any plans for the day - we sort of just went with the flow and it ended up being a really great day/night. I didn't take many photos, because I really just wanted to spend some time with  them, but I did snap a few to share:

We started off our hang out with a lovely lunch at a cafe I had never visited. I got this absolutely delicious soba noodle salad - I've had a few different soba noodle dishes, but never even thought of soba noodles being served in a salad and ohmyyy mind blown! I'll definitely have to try adding noodles into my salads and see what sort of yummy new salad recipes I can come up with.

 I can't help but giggle at this picture: Kelly asked me to take a photo of her latte art, which was supposedly a bear when she got her drink, but here it looks more like Shy Guy from Mario Bros.!

After hanging for a bit and just catching up, we met up with some other friends and went down to Dockweiler for a chill bonfire, and it was actually quite strange being back there since it was where we used to have our Senior Bonfires during high school. It was quite the journey getting there, with a lot of unexpected stops and a few wrong turns:

We ended up driving through Downtown LA for a bit, but nonetheless it was a great day and night. We weren't out late, but for some reason I felt so completely drained today! I just lounged around and watched YouTube all day haha But my cousins are coming over tonight to spend the long weekend here, so I'm sure my energy levels will go up the moment we start cracking jokes and being silly.

We have a few things planned for this weekend, so I'll make sure to bring my camera along for the ride. Until then, toodles xoxo

Sunday, January 11, 2015

finally filming again

Yep, you read that right - I am finally filming for YouTube again! This afternoon I filmed and began editing a new video, and even though I am barely finishing up with this one, I'm already brainstorming more videos. Lately I've been feeling super inspired so I'm excited to let out my creativity with some videos and blog posts!
Since I spent the day filming I don't have many photos, plus I want the topic of the video to be a bit of surprise, although when I was shooting a clip outside this evening I caught the tail-end of a beautiful sunset, and I absolutely had to take a couple photos to share:


Anyways, tomorrow I'm hoping to do some filming for another video as well as have a little photoshoot for a blogpost, so keep your eyes out for that!
But now I'm going to do a bit more editing then get some sleep, toodles & goodnight xoxo

Friday, January 9, 2015

a much needed beach day

A couple of days ago I went on a spur-of-the-moment beach trip with my friend, and ohgosh was it needed! Being home has been great, but since LA is so spread out (in comparison to Oxford, where you can easily catch a bus at any moment and go nearly anywhere in the city) and I currently don't have a car, I've been stuck at home going a bit stir crazy, so going to the beach was the perfect fix. It was an absolutely beautiful day - low to mid 70's (so like 25 C) with a nice breeze. I still find it hilarious how that's California's winter weather, but England's summer weather!
I'm really hoping to get in a few more beach trips and such in before heading back to uni + get a nice tan.

Today has been another insanely relaxed day of drawing and watching Netflix (I am officially hooked on Pretty Little Liars… never thought I'd see the day), but later today I'm going to go shopping with my mom, so perhaps there'll be a little show 'n tell sooooon!

But until then, toodles xoxo

How's the winter weather where you live?